Have Yao Ming and Miley Cyrus ever met each other? I don’t know. Is that relevant for this article? Not really.

What matters is that Yao Ming is 27 years old. Roger Clemens was 28 years old.

Miley Cyrus is 15 years old, so was Mindy McCready. Cyrus sings country music, so did McCready.

Are you disgusted yet? If the thought of the 7-foot-6, square-headed Chinese basketball player cavorting with the diminutive smiling face of the youngest generation’s #1 star doesn’t disturb you just because of the logistics of their two diverse body types and appearances, the thought of their age gap should be enough to make you shudder.

Thankfully, for all those involved (especially all of those who would have to regularly see Yao Ming in the tabloids), the Miley/Ming connection has no known validity. However, the Rocket/McCready affair has been confirmed by McCready.

Just a year or so removed from having a clean, although volatile image — in the fact that he has been known as a headhunting pitcher unafraid to back down from anyone (especially Mike Piazza), Clemens’ name is once again being tarnished with this latest scandal.

Among other things, some of the details of the affair Clemens, through his lawyer Rusty Hardin, claims is purely platonic include:

  • They met in a karaoke bar in Florida (resumably while Clemens and the Red Sox were down south for Spring Training) in 1990.
  • Clemens supposedly made the first move tossing an autographed shirt onto the stage where McCready was singing.
  • McCready learned Clemens was married only after reading his bio in a program at a Boston game.
  • Clemens “would frequently send bundles of cash in FedEx packages” to McCready to assist with legal issues.
  • The duo took lavish trips to Las Vegas and New York partying with the likes of Monica Lewinsky and Michael Jordan.
  • McCready’s family members were the receipients of gifts from Clemens and trips in his private plane.

All of this would be bad enough for Clemens’ wholesome family man image if McCready was of age when the relationship started, but no Clemens decided to go cradle robbing. If the relationship was indeed of a sexual nature, as many are speculating, that would make Clemens a chin music-chucking, steroid-infused, rapist liar.

Just to realize how bad this is imagine any of these stars, who are now 27 or 28, with Cyrus, the 15 year-old Hannah Montana star (and why they might try to get with Cyrus):

  • Albert Pujols - Just like Clemens, he has been linked with steroids, so maybe he tries to follow Clemens footprints again.
  • Carson Palmer - He’s put up with Chad Johnson’s whining so having to listen to a teenage girl’s problems shouldn’t be too difficult.
  • Jason White - After winning the 2003 Heisman Trophy at Oklahoma, White sees Cyrus as his only way back into the news.
  • Jeremy Shockey - He just wants to show her all his tattoos.
  • Josh Beckett - Well, he is the Boston ace now.
  • Michael Vick - The Leavenworth Prison League MVP wants to reach out while in jail much like Clemens reached out to McCready while she was in jail last year.
  • Ronaldinho - The soccer star tries to one up Ronaldo’s (yea they’re different) transvestite sex scandal.
  • T.I. - Rapper was confused after judge ordered him to speak to youths thinking messing with Cyrus would count toward his community service hours.
  • Tony Romo - He’s always looking for the next ‘it’ girl. Plus, Cyrus would have to be better for the Cowboys’ record.
  • Wilmer Valderrama - Fez from That 70s Show is just looking for a girl (age unimportant).

Or for more weirdness, imagine these 27 or 28 year-old female stars with Angus Jones, the young star of the CBS show Two and a Half Men, or former Cuban raft floater Elian Gonzalez (both are 14).

  • Chelsea Clinton - Just following in dad’s footsteps with a sex scandal.
  • Christina Aguilera - She wants to get “Dirty” in more ways than one.
  • Gisele Bundchen - Tom Brady has to go to training camp, and Gisele can’t stand to be alone.
  • Jessica Simpson - She’s dumb enough to try to get Romo back by having her own statuatory rape charges.
  • Kim Kardashian - She needed something besides her backside to help get people to watch her reality show.
  • Michelle Williams - The former Dawson’s Creek star just wants to go back to those innocent days.
  • Venus Williams - No never mind. There’s no way a 14 year-old could handle all of Venus. Really, it’d be difficult for a 24 year-old too.

Needless to say, these all should be disturbing and not just because Elian may not know how to say “Now go make me a sandwich.” or “How am I supposed to get home?” in English, so next time you hear Roger Clemens’ name think about Yao Ming together with Miley Cyrus and curse Clemens for all of his lewd acts with underaged country singers who were never any good.

Shotgun Spratling

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